DaveInVA wrote: 


That joke has been recycled since airplanes were invented in 1492...  go for something original, like—

If George W. Bush had a bundle of bananas, coffee beans, and a quart of fresh cream stuck up his ass, he would smell like cappuccino chiaro...

Two blondes walk into the courthouse...ya think at least one of them would have seen it.

 lunar1963 wrote: 
Agree on all points.  Whether you like Obama or not, he's not dumb.  Bush however?  ugh.

Yeah for Europe for remaining clear-minded.

 lunar1963 wrote: 
That's the way it was told when Bush was president.  Comes with the job.

 

 DaveInVA wrote: 

Funny, but I still think it's funnier if Bush would have taken the first parachute... more believable too. Guess being a European I don't see Obama for what he really is, according to some of you. Still strikes me as a highly intelligent man, who really tries to lead the country,

EDIT: of course I take jokes way too seriously

THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD!

The airplane was in trouble, the pilot strapped on his parachute, told the 3 remaining passengers there were only 2 parachutes left, then he bailed out.

The first passenger, Barack Obama, jumped up and announced... "I am the President of the United States, the chosen one, and the world needs me." Then he grabbed a parachute, put it on and jumped out leaving George Bush and a Boy Scout.

President Bush said to the scout... "I have lived a full life and have served my country, I am a Christian and ready to meet God, you take the last parachute."

The Boy Scout replied, "That's okay Mr. President, there is a parachute for both of us, the smartest man in the world just bailed out with my knapsack."

 DaveInVA wrote:

Know why women sit on the side of the bed in the morning?  Because they dont have uno whats to scratch.

 Nice Dave!

Seeing as I am a retired engineer......

Understanding Engineers It's not possible to understand Engineers.  They are strange!!   Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

"Darling, would you still love me if you won the lottery?"
 
"Of course, dear. I'll miss you as well."

Mort: I can have any woman I please.

Joe:  Oh, really?  So why have you never had a girlfriend or even a date?

Mort:  Because I've yet to find a woman I can please.

 romeotuma wrote: 
a gun owner shot the humans and the lions ate the culprit.

 Manbird wrote: 
The scientist proved that the sword is indeed mightier than the word. Too late for the philosopher though, he went first.

 Manbird wrote: 


A gun owner shot the lion, and the humans were saved...

 

 Manbird wrote: 

rock smashes paper

 romeotuma wrote: 
and then what happened

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, and he said, "It's no good trying to outrun it— it's catching up."

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied, "I am not trying to outrun the lion... I am trying to outrun you!"

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen take?


 
Enough to kill two and a half men.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."